I will be sensible,
and write to an agent for a list. It had better just be 'a house'
with nothing distinctive; because this will be our home, I hope,
and that the official residence. And now, Maud, I won't be tiresome
any more; we can't waste time in talking about these things. I
haven't done with making love to you yet, and I doubt if I ever
shall!"
XXXIII
ANXIETY
The months moved slowly on, a time full of deepening strain and
anxiety to Howard. Maud herself seemed serene enough at first, full
of hope; she began to be more dependent on him; and Howard
perceived two things which gave him some solace; in the first place
he found that, sharp as the tension of anxiety in his mind often
was, he did not realise it as a burden of which he would be merely
glad to be rid. He had an instinctive dislike of all painful
straining things--of responsibilities, disagreeable duties, things
that disturbed his tranquillity; but this anxiety did not come to
him in that light at all; he longed that it should be over, but it
was not a thing which he desired to banish from his mind; it was
all bound up with love and happy anticipation; and next he learned
the joy of doing things that would otherwise be troublesome for the
sake of love, and found them all transmuted, not into seemly
courtesies, but into sharp and urgent pleasures. To be of use to
Maud, to entertain her, to disguise his anxieties, to compel
himself to talk easily and lightly--all this filled his soul with
delight, especially when he found as the months went on that Maud
began to look to him as a matter of course; and though Howard had
been used to say that being read aloud to was the only occupation
in the world that was worse than reading aloud, he found that there
was no greater pleasure than in reading to Maud day by day, in
finding books that she cared for.
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