XVII
SELF-SUPPRESSION
As soon as the term was over, Howard went down to Windlow. He was
in a very unhappy frame of mind. He could not capitulate; but the
more that he thought, the more that he tried to analyse his
feelings, the more complex they became. It really seemed to him at
times as if two perfectly distinct people were arguing within him.
He was afraid of love; his aim had always been to simplify his life
as far as possible, and to live in a serene and cheerful spirit,
for the day and in the day. His work, his relations with colleagues
and pupils, had all amused and interested him; he had cared for
people, he had many friends; but it was all a cool, temperate,
unimpassioned kind of caring. People had drifted in and out of his
life; with his frank and easy manner, his excellent memory for the
characteristics and the circumstances of others, it had been easy
for him to pick up a relationship where he had laid it down; but it
was all a very untroubled business, and no one had ever really
entered into his life; he did not like dropping people, and took
some trouble by means of letters to keep up communication with his
old pupils; but his friendships had never reached the point at
which the loss of a friend would have been a severe blow. He felt
that he was always given credit for more affection than he
possessed, and this had made him careful not to fail in any duty of
friendship. He was always ready to take trouble, to advise, to help
his old pupils in their careers; but it had been done more from a
sense of courtesy than from any deeper motive.
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