And here, Decency, forgive me! if once more I violate
thy laws and keeping the curtains undrawn, sacrifice thee for
the last time to that confidence, without reserve, with which
I engaged to recount to you the most striking circumstances
of my youthful disorders.
As soon, then, as we were in the room together, left to
ourselves, the sight of the bed starting the remembrance of
our first joys, and the thought of my being instantly to
share it with the dear possessor of my virgin heart, mov'd
me so strongly, that it was well I lean'd upon him, or I
must have fainted again under the overpowering sweet alarm.
Charles saw into my confusion, and forgot his own, that was
scarce less, to apply himself to the removal of mine.
But now the true refining passion had regain'd thorough
possession of me, with all its train of symptoms: a sweet
sensibility, a tender timidity, love-sick yearnings temper'd
with diffidence and modesty, all held me in a subjection of
soul, incomparably dearer to me than the liberty of heart
which I had been long, too long! the mistress of, in the
course of those grosser gallantries, the consciousness of
which now made me sigh with a virtuous confusion and regret.
No real virgin, in view of the nuptial bed, could give more
bashful blushes to unblemish'd innocence than I did to a
sense of guilt; and indeed I lov'd Charles too truly not to
feel severely that I did not deserve him.
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