Nature now pointed me strongly to more
solid diversions, while all the stings of desire settled so
fiercely in that little centre of them, that I could not
mistake the spot I wanted a playfellow in.
"I now shunn'd all company in which there was no hopes
of coming at the object of my longings, and used to shut
myself up, to indulge in solitude some tender meditation on
the pleasures I strongly perceiv'd the overture of, in feel-
ing and examining what nature assur'd me must be the chosen
avenue, the gates for unknown bliss to enter at, that I
panted after.
"But these meditations only increas'd my disorder, and
blew the fire that consumed me. I was yet worse when, yield-
ing at length to the insupportable irritations of the little
fairy charm that tormented me, I seiz'd it with my fingers,
teasing it to no end. Sometimes, in the furious excitations
of desire, I threw myself on the bed, spread my thighs
abroad, and lay as it were expecting the longed-for relief,
till finding my illusion, I shut and squeez'd them together
again, burning and fretting. In short, this dev'lish thing,
with its impetuous girds and itching fires, led me such a
life that I could neither night nor day be at peace with it
or myself. In time, however, I thought I had gained a pro-
digious prize, when figuring to myself that my fingers were
something of the shape of what I pined for, I worked my way
in for one of them with great agitation and delight; yet
not without pain too did I deflower myself as far as it
could reach; proceeding with such a fury of passion, in
this solitary and last shift of pleasure, as extended me at
length breathless on the bed in an amorous melting trance.
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