"Then, sir, go home."
"The barber," muttered "soft Roe" in as soft a voice.
"What of him?"
"Wants a shillin'."
"There it is," exclaimed the Augustine Peter, "there, from my own pocket,
paid with pleasure to preserve that youth from the evil influence of too
much hair--I'll pay for all the City if they like--and banished suicide,
and I'll pretty soon see if I can't settle all the City crops. Prisoner,
you are discharged."
The young man lost his hair, the Queen five shillings, and Sir Peter one;
but then he gained his end,--and docking must henceforth be looked upon as
the treadmill's antidote, and young man's fines' best friend. We therefore
say, should the iniquity of your long locks, gentle reader, take you to
the station (for, remember, Sir Peter says, _Long hair will do anything_),
if you can't find bail, secure a barber, and command your liberation. We
have been speculating of these externally-illustrated grades of crime; we
think the following nearly correct:--
The long and lank indicates larceny (petty and otherwise).
The bushy and bountiful--burglary.
The full and flowing--felony.
The magnificent and mysterious--murder.
And, for aught we know, pigtails--polygamy.
For the future, a thinking man's motto will be, not to mind "his own eye,"
but everybody else's hair.
P.S. We have just received the following horrifying communication which
establishes Sir Peter's opinion, "that a man with such hair would do
anything," but unfortunately disproves the remedy, as those atrocities
have been committed when he was without.
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