I could not bear to leave you. If I had only gone then I
should have saved myself much; for what would it have been to leave you
then to what it is now!
"It was very wrong in me to promise to marry you that night when you came
to me; for I knew then as well as now that I never could. But I loved you
so, I had no strength. Oh, these last happy weeks! I wonder if you have
been so happy as I--so happy or so miserable, I don't know which to say;
for all the time there was a deadly sickness at my heart, and every night
I cried myself to sleep, and woke up crying; and yet I loved you so I
could not but be happy in being where you were. Remember always, Paul,
that if I had not loved you so, I should have let you marry an
adventuress; for that is what I suppose you will call me now--you, who
could not find words tender enough for me. Yes, if I had loved you less,
I would have been your wife, and I would have made you very happy, just
as we made so many poor people happy at our seances--by deceiving them.
But I could not deceive you.
"It is true that I have been meanwhile deceiving you, but it has only
been from day to day.
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